We are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

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Hi my name is Lisa Brown and I’m here today to share a little bit about myself.  I’m married to an amazing man and together we have a six year old boy and five year old girl.  We love to go for drives in the Colorado Rocky Mountains not far from where we live. We are a home school, fun loving, God seeking family. I’m the Author of “Me Too Moments For Moms“

 

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My heavy feet took one slow step at a time from my bed to the bathroom.  It seemed like a weight was on my back when I tried to stand up straight to see myself in the mirror.  My pale face made me feel so empty.  When I reached for the make-up bag, my hands were light and moved slowly.

 

Days were dragging and sleepless nights kept me tangled up.  My new boss was waiting to have a meeting with me.  I wanted to look my best so she wouldn’t see a tired face.  I needed my make-up to perform magic. 

 

I talked to myself as I put on a new look.

 

“Beige cream foundation is looking pretty good on my blank face.  A few brush strokes of rose blush on my cheeks and I’m set to go.  Woops, I can’t forget my lipstick.  I love this stuff it makes my dry lips shine.    My eye shadow with shades of green is my best friend.   Ready- set –go- here I come world.”

 

My new pretend painted face made my stomach ache.  My heart started to race when I looked into my eyes of lies.  I was afraid that if I went to work that day, I would break into crumbs like dry bread does.

 

My hair had no fluff or shine.  There was no spunk left in me. My head hung on my shoulders.  I picked up my curling iron hoping that a curl would make me bounce back into shape.    That didn’t happen.   

 

Instead a reservoir of tears broke like a mighty dam and washed my mask off.  The lady in the mirror was naked. 

 

I didn’t go to work that day and I never returned.  

 

Back in my dark room I covered my head up under comfy blankets and drifted off.  I imagined I was a ship on troubled waters with no lighthouse to show me the way home.

 

Dear Reader, this is what depression looked like for me once upon a time.

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I have dealt with depression ever since I was little.   I had no idea what was wrong with me and why I felt so sad.   I kept my feelings of darkness mostly to myself.  I felt shame because my thoughts were shady and ugly.  I convinced myself that something was terribly wrong with me.

 

I was 35 when I was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressant.  I asked God to take my depression away.  He didn’t.

 

Instead He sent me friends.  There was a time that I could no longer hold a job and get out of bed.  Friends invited me to live with them.  My life changed for the better when several people collected money for me to go to counseling at a residential treatment facility.

 

Depression can be scary when feelings do not make sense.  Life circumstances get exaggerated when confusion twists things around in our complex mind.  Sometimes depression causes a hurtful reaction to stressful situations.

 

The most stable and sure thing in my life is that I belong to God.  

 

You may or may not struggle with depression.  But more than likely there is something that you are walking through that is difficult.  Whatever that is, it does not define who you are.

 

Depression doesn’t make me any lesser of a person than someone who doesn’t struggle with it.  It’s a weakness that keeps me dependent on God.   

 

It takes faith daily for me to trust God with my sadness, frustrations, and fears.   I’m healing and it’s a hard painful process. My journey is far from being over.

 

I’m discovering who God is and how He sees me.  I am His.  He made me.  He wants me.

 

There is a reason for my life.  There is a reason for your life.  We are complex, beautiful, creative, and so much more.  The creator of the universe, created you and me.  He knew us before we were born.  He is eternal and our life is forever in Him.

 

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” Psalm 139:14

 

Struggling with depression has been a humbling experience.  I can’t do life without my faith in Jesus and His resurrection.

 

Jesus loves people and He meets them right where they are at in their hurts.  No matter what they are going through.  I want to be like Jesus.  I don’t want to be a victim of my depression.  I want to be part of the solution.

 

I’m becoming more compassionate.  I’m less judgmental.   I like who I am becoming.

 

There is another side to depression.  It starts by accepting who we are in God’s eyes.

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Please join me and several other writers as we journey together through life’s battles.  I’m hosting a series on depression.  Come visit me at “Me Too Moments For Moms“ to find out what Jesus is doing in our lives.  You can find our stories under Depression on the side of my home page.

 

 

Here are some links to our stories :

GREEN GRASS FROM DEPRESSION  written by Grace

I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU DECLARES THE LORD written by Jenny Cioto

THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED written by Jenny Shinsky

STRUGGLING MOM LIFT UP YOUR EYES written by Ginny 

SHAME IS LITERALLY KILLING PEOPLE written by Ginny

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Lisa Brown’s Testimony can be found in the following links:

Frozen In An Icicle Of Depression Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

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